[#779]: Fear & the New Year

Recently I have had a case of something a bit stronger than procrastination. Some might call it a case of seasonal depression with winter making its road trip towards our region. I’m guessing Jack Frost is driving in a pinto because apparently I’m lucky for not being knee-deep in snow already. Since I don’t have a blizzard to thank or a life threatening pneumonia, I don’t know who to thank for my stall of expressionism in the past months. No one but myself. I have had my case of the Mondays and the every day ending in Y’s before. Im a girl, we get our monthly visitor debilitating us for at least 2 weeks at a time, including the mood swings. Ive hated my job before. Hated bills and customer service calls before. And through these things I still made art, still wrote poems before bed, still blogged. But lately, the idea of picking up a brush or typing a post has had me at odds. I’m not sure why. It could be lack of inspiration which is frightening for the fact I moved to New York in the idea it was the mecca of inspiration. Maybe its that everyone here has something close to a Harvard degree. That there are people who havent even graduated highschool but have more work experience than me, including a stint at Vogue. New York is a wide eye opening experience yes, but it turns out its widely opening my eyes to the staggering amount of concentrated competition within 5 blocks of each other. For a bit I have been hiding my art, and words, afraid of what a New York mind might say of it. Not that any other mind from any other state is not of important judgement, but a NY Accent combined with the New York sneer in a disapproving manner could have sent Picasso back to the drawing board.

In realizing this as my first step of the 12 Steps to conquering a NYC state of mind, Im on my way out of the fear zone. While being from Miami has its flare, not being from New York has its scrunchie in my hair. Its like a half blood at Hogwarts. But the thing about New York is using those differences to your advantage. About finding the X factor in all situations, while mostly importantly being on your feet, on the tips of your toes.

Demystifying certain things about myself recently and using it my advantage has made me realize that I have much more to offer to this NYC tenure for however long it may be, which is up to me. What the next 11 steps are to becoming a Wall St giant, the next Terry Richardson, and/or the black Carrie Bradshaw of course, I have no clue. Who the fcuk does? (yes FCUK). Yet thats the funny thing about this city. Hearing story after story of people stumbling upon success in bar, a lunch cafe, a bookstore. Unexpected situations and meetings kickstarting a career or a dream.  The city is wide open with doors to different, huge, opportunities. Sometimes these doors are locked, sometimes they are cracked open with chain holding it ajar where you can peek thru slightly, or sometimes, if your’e lucky enough, its wide open, the doorstep says “welcome” and theres even a free breakfast inside (with the calories listed per entree).

Im changing the voice in my head. Even the accent. Today its Ben Kingsley as Ghandi telling me “Yes I can”, “You are Perfect”, “Love yourself”.Next week it might be Ryan Gosling telling me if I write another chapter that he will definitely meet me for lunch the next day. Whichever it is, I am on my way to the Veni, Vedi, Vici story for myself in New York. Conquering myself, check. Now time to conquer my dreams. An Orange in an Apple making a success smoothie.

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